My parents would take my sister and me to Grandpa Tom and (Gramps) Grandma Jean’s land that they owned, lying on the outskirts of Farmersville Station, which is about six miles outside of Franklinville, which still doesn’t help much if you don’t live in Western NY. It’s 70-ish miles outside of Rochester. Anyway, on his nice six-acre plot of pines Grandpa Tom put a trailer. From that location he would go to hunt buck, and come back to drink Millers and Manhattans and we would all play Crazy Eights, while enjoying the view from the ridge and swatting mosquitoes, pinching fleas, and hoping that Kiska (a Siberian Husky) would stay away from porcupines and skunks. I remember the electric anticipation that half of the way through the 60-ish mile trip, we would stop in Perry for ice cream, and ponder the Silver Lake Sea Serpent.

The land western-adjacent to Grandpa Tom’s place was a dairy farm. They raised Holsteins, which therefore wired my brain that Holsteins are THE BEST MILK cows and they make the most delicious MILK. In recent terms, I would turn to my son’s phrasing, who would currently summarize it by saying, “I like Holsteins because they’re my favorite.”

At the east end of the property stood a large pond. The mud was thick and would suck at your feet when walking around the edges. I remember a dock but I don’t remember a boat. We spent a lot of time there, and I found delight at trying to capture and hold polliwogs in my hand. The pond was teeming with tadpoles in the spring. It is difficult to describe the joyous feeling of squatting in sludge as a few dozen baby frogs try to swim through your fingers under a blazing sun. The days seemed hotter, then.

Once at the farm while I was in the main barn in an area where the calves and bulls were sequestered, a bull kicked me in my ass, launching my young frame across the room just to let me know that, “Hey, here’s how it feels to get kicked in the ass by a bull.” Point taken.

Another time I ruined an entire day’s worth of milk production by making it butter in the pasteurization vat. I think I was six, maybe seven years old. To this day, I don’t think that it was my fault, and can specifically remember that I did not touch a thing that would purposefully cause such a sabotage. However, the damage was done and I am sure it cost the farmer dearly. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt the farm. But I probably did anyway.

I think his opinion may be positive.

Owen’s first school play. He’s an owl, couldn’t you tell? Watch Bear Hunt in HD on Vimeo. Owen is in the blue crocs.

The answer is, “YES, it does!”

The first effort was with a ~2 lb. beef tenderloin, marinated in the fridge for about two days in a food-saver bag with brown sugar, garlic, soy sauce, orange juice, and pepper. I filled the cooler heater with ~ 2 gallons of 130 degree water and immersed the meat in the cooler heater, checking the water temp with a digital thermometer every 10 minutes or so. At 30 minutes, I added two cups of 135 degree water to the cooler to bring a bit more heat back to the bath, repeating this process at 1 hour (this time removing two cups of water prior to adding the heated water. At some time in between those steps, my thermometer died. More accurately, it went insane, telling me that the water was over 200 degrees. Weird; probably a bad battery? Anyway, our house water heater is set to 130. I ran the tap full hot, and gave a couple cups a quick blast on the high BTU burner before adding it to the bath.

After one hour and fifteen minutes of immersion, I pulled the bag from the bath and re-seasoned the meat. 15 minutes prior, I had fired the Weber kettle with a chimney of Lazzari’s. The loin went on the grill and was turned twice over 8 minutes. The fire was not as hot as I would have liked it to be; I was going by eyeball as to when I thought the char was “right” on the loin. I’m certain a hotter fire would have been better for caramelization, because the cooking was essentially already done.

After a five minute tented rest, we sliced and served. Laura and our friend who was over for dinner said it was probably one of the best steaks they ever ate in their lives.

The second effort was with ~6 lbs of flat-iron which were four steaks total and purchased pre-marinated at Gartner’s. The process was essentially the same (including having a different thermometer quit on me) except for two key differences: more meat equals more caloric requirements from the protein/water thermal equalization, and less water-space due to additional displacement in comparison to the first effort. I had to refresh the water four times. The other key difference was that we finished it on a gas grill instead of charcoal. I think this led to a more “sterile” taste, but I’m also certain that I should have saved some of the marinade prior to vac-packing the meat to slather on for the finish; the meat wouldn’t hold the remaining marinade on its surface. I also inadequately re-seasoned the meat after it came out of the bag prior to grilling. It was still absolutely delicious, tender, and perfectly cooked, but it was missing a bit of…. “something”.

Summary: I’m sold as far as beef. It’s easy, fun, and results in incredibly tender, delicious steak. I’m going to try with chicken, salmon and halibut next, but the science is simple, and so is the effort required.

We thought to put a placard over the entrance naming it as such, but after a quick search I found someone — and likely many — with their own Fort Clucks.  I’m fine with that name, but I thought I would throw it into a hat with a bunch of other names I came up with and see what sticks. Please vote for the name you like best, or suggest your own in the comments.  A random participant will receive a bottle of habanero-mango Humboldt Hotsauce, made by our friend Cal Ferris. Yes, I’m sure it’s great with chicken.
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Special thanks to the talented Phil Schantz, without whom the construction would have been difficult, shoddy, hazardous, ugly, and many combinations of those states. If you are thinking about building a chicken coop or anything else, you should hire him.

To be in the random drawing for the hot sauce, you either need to register, send me an email after you vote, or just leave a comment with your name and email address which is hidden and which i will only use to find out how to get your bottle of hot sauce to you should you be the randomly selected winner.

Pictures from our recent adventure to the coast.